Life Among the Dead
by Kihin Ranno
Summary: -COMPLETE- Frozen inside without your touch and without your love, darling. Only you are the life among the dead...


Life Among the Dead  
1/1  
by Kihin Ranno  
goddess_branwen@hotmail.com  
http://www.geocities.com/kihin_ranno/  
PG-13  
  
______________________________  
  
How can you see into my eyes  
Like open doors?  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb  
______________________________  
  
He was standing in the middle of a sea of nothingness. He could not  
even say that he was surrounded by the dark, or the color black, or  
mist and fog; the normal things one associates when standing  
somewhere in which there was nothing. But no, Sirius could not even  
describe what lay around him now. None of the aforementioned things  
was there. Nothing was there. It was something that lacked so much  
in everything and anything that he could not even put a name to it.  
  
Save one.  
  
Sirius tried to look around and see if there were anything there, but  
he was only confronted with more indefinable nonentity. He squinted  
his eyes to see if he could make out anything, give something a name,  
but he could not. He felt a lump form in his throat, but he did not  
fight it down, swallow it, or even acknowledge it's presence. He just  
let it remain there, too tired to remove it and too like his  
surroundings to care.  
  
Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that he was in an unknown  
location... Possibly even in a place that didn't truly exist. If that  
even made sense. After all, how could one be in a place that wasn't  
real? How could a person live in an entirely fabricated world of  
illusion? The only way a person could be there is if the person in  
question had never been real to begin with.  
  
That was an interesting theory... Could a life be created in such  
great detail that it brought them into existence? That it made them  
real? There was a Greek legend about a sculptor by the name of  
Pygmalion. He had an unexplained contempt for women because of their  
imperfections. So deep was his hatred, that he sought to fix his  
problem by creating to perfect women out of ivory. As expected,  
Pygmalion's hate for women dissolved upon completion, or at least  
enough for him to love Galatea, the name he had given his precious  
statue. The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, took notice of this and  
breathed into the statue, giving it life through Pygmalion's kiss.  
And then she existed when she hadn't before.  
  
So could it be possible to create something and give it life? And if  
it were not human, not really anyway, how would it die? Would it  
cease to exist when it's creator did? And were they cast off into a  
world of nothingness that was somehow unreal, for they themselves  
weren't real either?  
  
Sirius was surprised he wasn't getting a headache. Greek myths had  
never been his favorite subject.  
  
The dark haired man sighed, running a hand through said locks,  
resigning himself to the fact that he was stuck here for at least a  
little while. He wanted to sit down, but he wasn't entirely sure if  
there was a floor. Of course, then it would have been impossible for  
him to stand, but he wasn't sure if he was standing either. He could  
not be sure of anything in this void.  
  
He paused now, not that he had been doing anything he could take a  
break from but still, and narrowed his pale eyes in retrospection.  
Where had he been last anyway? He had just flown Buckbeak from  
Arabella Figg's... He had been flying when he had been unable to go  
on. He had collapsed on Buckbeak and the hippogriff had begun to  
descend. Sirius had felt that before allowing sleep to take hold of  
him completely. The last thing he remembered was a voice... A kind  
voice... A voice that called him a name other than the one his mother  
gave him...  
  
Padfoot.  
  
Sirius blinked once, twice, three times as the information registered  
in his brain. Only one person called him that now. The other two  
were gone as one was dead and the other was dead to him though he  
still breathed and walked the earth, soiling even the dirtiest ground  
with his touch. And only one person was that kind. Only one person  
would not have run away screaming at the sight of a convicted  
murderer. Only one person could lift him off of a screaming Buckbeak  
and hold him completely uninhibited. Only one person would carry him  
back to his home without a second thought. Only one person loved him  
enough to do all that and call him by his childhood name.  
  
Remus J. Lupin. Moony.  
  
Sirius began running forward, at least he thought he was. His feet  
were moving and he knew he should be getting him somewhere, but they  
didn't seem to touch the ground. And he didn't seem to be moving, but  
it was hard to tell in the vast chasm or whatever it was. Sirius took  
a deep breath and spoke, his voice hoarse and dry for some reason.  
He had forgotten about the lump that still hung heavily in his throat.  
"Moony!" He called out with some sort of indefinable emotion. He  
could not label it any more than he could give his location a name.  
  
"Remus!" He cried, looking around for the thin man who looked older  
than he was with the eyes of an animal but the heart of something far  
superior to a man. He searched for a flash of grey and brown that was  
his friend's hair that threatened to fall past his shoulders one of  
these days. He listened for the quiet laugh that was never full, for  
the man always had a sadness hanging over him as the moon was always  
hanging over him. He even craned his ears for a howl, if it was that  
time.  
  
But he heard as much as he saw. Nothing.  
  
If Remus was around, he wasn't answering him. Though Sirius thought  
this must mean that Remus was not there. The man would never ignore  
him. Especially since the last time they had seen each other was the  
bittersweet reunion in the Shrieking Shack and the subsequent  
adventures that followed. He knew that his old friend missed him.  
They were all each other had any more. The last remnants of the once  
great Marauders.  
  
But why would he not be there? Wherever this place was, surely Remus  
must be here too. He had brought him somewhere... Though why the man  
would bring him here to this land that did not exist in reality was a  
mystery to the Animagus. He wondered where Remus was if not here. He  
also wistfully wondered how he had escaped.  
  
Sirius frowned suddenly, his old Auror instincts suddenly deciding to  
break through the haze of his mind. He tensed as he now pondered if  
Remus had brought him here... His confidant had been carrying him,  
probably haphazardly as Sirius was a few inches taller than the former  
Professor to say the very least. Buckbeak was making enough noise to  
raise the dead. Perhaps Sirius had been followed... Perhaps he and  
Remus had been taken. Perhaps the Death Eaters had thrown them into  
this nothing world.  
  
Perhaps the reason why Remus didn't answer was because he couldn't  
answer.  
  
Sirius paled, though no one was able to see how white he was. If they  
had, they probably would have thought that he had suddenly died and  
had miraculously managed to remain upright. The blood suddenly rushed  
down to his legs and he was running again, but not getting anywhere.  
He was also screaming again, but it seemed that no one heard him.  
  
"Remus!" Sirius called frantically, the lump in his throat now  
shriveling up due to his panic. He pumped his legs harder, but felt  
that it was now making the situation worse. He sensed that he was  
moving backwards, the opposite of what he wished to do. He growled in  
a voice that sounded very much like something other than a human and  
much more canine and ground his teeth. He continued screaming for his  
friend, using every name that he had ever been referred to by in his  
life... Save the hateful ones.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity of running forwards yet moving in  
the wrong direction in the empty space, Sirius squinted his face up  
and shouted at the top of his voice, shattering his vocal cords which  
were already burning. "Damn it Moony, answer me!"  
  
And just then, he felt it. He felt ground beneath him as it came up  
under him without so much as a sound. Sirius was taken off guard and  
pitched forward. He grunted with the impact, shutting his eyes. And  
before he opened them again, he knew that something more had changed.  
He knew he would see something in front of him, though he had no idea  
what...  
  
Yet he knew that he wasn't too keen on looking.  
  
Even so, Sirius Black was many things, including impulsive, reckless,  
and proud. He was a Gryffindor, the house of the brave. He would not  
show fear in any situation. He could not, by his own personal code of  
honor, keep his eyes shut. So he opened them... And quickly wished  
that he had been sorted into Hufflepuff so he could be afraid without  
reservation.  
  
Sirius found himself staring into a pair of eyes... One was sold black  
and the other entirely white. The man somehow new that those eyes  
were locked with his own, though it was hard to tell given the  
appearance of them. He felt like there was something deeply wise and  
magical in those eyes despite how blanked they looked. And he knew  
that they weren't just looking at him... They were looking into him.  
They were looking into his eyes and somehow seeing down to his very  
soul. They saw both the light and the dark in him, and they took it  
in stride, quickly moving on to the next thing. Sirius knew he should  
have found it unsettling to have someone look into him like this and  
see all of what made Sirius Black what he was... But he wasn't. He  
wondered how, as any man would have done, and he was by no means  
comfortable with having all of him exposed to this person. But he did  
not feel fear from this aspect of the situation.  
  
He slowly began to study the person's other features, trying to ignore  
the feeling that he was lying naked in the cold snow... A young face,  
covered in lines from stress and worry, as if he had to deal with too  
much at a young age and had paid the price for it. His hair was brown  
but not without grey streaks, also from either too much stress or too  
much fear. Fear of what, Sirius did not know, but somehow he felt it  
was the latter. The man, for it was a man, had a small build and  
looked as though a stiff wind could have easily knocked him over. Yet  
Sirius also knew that this man possessed a strength to be reckoned  
with and his frail appearance made him that much more dangerous to  
foes. He was dressed in white, tattered robes, with tears in the  
fabric...  
  
And then Sirius realized that this was no man.  
  
He bared his teeth to the Azkaban escapee and the darker man saw that  
they were lengthened and sharp. They were made to tear into flesh,  
rip away muscle, and crush bone as if it was plaster. And they did  
not gleam by any means... They were dirty, and had a reddish tinge.  
His ears were larger than most, and pointed at the ends. His nails  
were also made to do no less than moderate damage to the human person,  
and they did not seem the natural color for a human. But the biggest  
clue to what he was, or rather what he was not, was the wings  
protruding his back. One was perfect, gleaming white and unfurled.  
This was on the same side as the black eye. The other was severely  
damaged and crippled. It was caked in dry blood and was losing more  
feathers each time he so much as twitched.  
  
And then Sirius realized that this was no stranger.  
  
"Moony..."  
  
__________________________________  
  
Without my soul  
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold   
Until you find it there  
And lead it back home  
__________________________________  
  
Remus stared down at him, never once breaking eye contact. However,  
when he heard Sirius say his name, the name that he himself had given  
him in his Second Year when he had learned of Remus' true nature, he  
blinked. And with that simple movement, Sirius felt him retreat out  
of his soul. He could no longer see all of what he was.  
  
But he still knew. Nothing could change that.  
  
The man yet not a man did not develop any type of expression. He  
stood over Sirius, looming over him as never before. He did not drop  
the man's gaze and he made no move to help him up. And now Sirius  
doubted he would have wanted his help.  
  
"Moony..." Sirius repeated softly, "What... What's going on? What  
happened to you?"  
  
Remus' expression did not change. And what's more is his mouth did  
not move. Yet Sirius heard his voice as plain as if he had done so.  
  
/You./  
  
Sirius balked, backing up a little but making no move to get up off of  
the ground. He stared up at his friend, trying desperately to look  
away from his eyes. His eyes were now so deeply frightening when  
they had once been warm and gentle. Eyes that had once been so  
beautiful that were now far too sinister looking to be appealing to  
anyone but a Death Eater. Sirius' own pale eyes were wide as he  
fought to rip his gaze away to no avail. "What do you mean?"  
  
/You did this to me./ Remus responded, still not moving his lips.  
  
Sirius tensed, his entire body going absolutely rigid. If he had  
paled severely before, his face was even whiter now. His mouth hung  
open in shock, though it made several tiny movements to show that  
Sirius was attempting to speak, but that fight was going down along  
with the one to look away.  
  
He had done this? He had done this to his best friend? No. No he  
couldn't have possibly done this. How would he have gone about it?  
He had no knowledge of whatever magic had done this to him... He had  
never before heard of such a thing happening before. Never in all of  
his life had he seen anything like this. It was an entirely  
unprecedented sight... But that wasn't even the point! He would  
never, ever have done anything like this to Remus. He would smack him  
upside the head if he got too annoying. He would playfully tackle him  
if his teasing had reached the point where it was permissible. But it  
was all in jest...  
  
Most of the things Sirius did were out of love for a man who was like  
a brother to him in all but blood. He would comfort him the morning  
after the full moon. He would be there for him during the  
transformation where his bones were broken and reformed in an  
agonizing process Sirius knew he never would have been able to handle.  
He listened when Remus told him of his childhood, which had never been  
happy or pleasant until Hogwarts. He reminisced about the old days  
and all the pranks they had pulled together. He even held the man  
when his strength failed him and he had to sob at the cruelty of the  
world and the unfairness of fate. Or he had done this when he had  
been able to. Before his own life was torn away from him, he had done  
all of these things without question. And he would do them again if  
he were given the chance.  
  
He could never hurt Remus. Not even if he tried.  
  
"But..." Sirius croaked, slowly started to regain the ability of  
human communication. "I would never... Moony..."  
  
/You did this to me./ Remus repeated.  
  
"No." Sirius insisted, shaking his head desperately. "No. I didn't."  
  
/You did this to me./  
  
"Stop saying that!" Sirius snapped, realizing he was sounding a little  
off his head. "I could never hurt you. Never!"  
  
/This does hurt./ Remus said without speaking. /And you did it to me./  
  
"Remus!" Sirius shouted frantically. "No! You're like my brother.  
My best friend. You're all I have left... We're the last of the four!  
I would never do anything to hurt you! You've been hurt enough!"  
  
/You hurt James and Lily./ Remus intoned, his voice sounding grave.  
  
Sirius' white pallor suddenly turned red. He balled up his hands into  
fists as he felt his temper rising and his emotions flying out of  
control. If he had any more tears to cry, they would have been  
streaming down his cheeks at that very moment. But they had dried out  
after his first month in Azkaban, where he had done nothing but sob.  
After that, he had never cried again.  
  
The man's frame shook with emotion as he ground out. "Shut up... Don't  
say that. Don't you ever say that."  
  
/I speak nothing but the truth./ Remus said. /You hurt them. You  
killed them./  
  
"Damn you!" Sirius shouted, pounding his fists on the ground beneath  
him, still situated on the ground. "I know that! I know that I  
murdered them! I'm as good as an accomplice to that rat! But don't  
you say that I hurt you too. Don't you ever say that! And don't tell  
me what I already know!"  
  
/You must be told. You must be reminded. And you must be told of  
what you did to me./  
  
"Nothing!" Sirius screamed in agony. "I didn't do anything to you!"  
  
/Exactly./  
  
"What?" Sirius breathed in exasperation. "You're talking in riddles."  
  
/You hurt me by doing nothing./ Remus spoke, moving his good wing.  
/You did nothing and so I am this way./  
  
Sirius hung his head, gasping for air and trembling still. He dug his  
fingernails into his palms, leaving half moon indents in the skin.  
His knuckles were white Remus' left eye and an old, dirty cut on one  
of them reopened. "What way?"  
  
/Dead./  
  
_________________________________  
  
Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life  
_________________________________  
  
Sirius stopped shaking.  
  
/Dead./  
  
He stopped thinking.  
  
/Dead./  
  
He stopped moving.  
  
/Dead./  
  
He stopped feeling.  
  
/Dead./  
  
And for a moment, he even stopped breathing.  
  
/Dead./  
  
This wasn't happening. This couldn't possibly be happening. Remus  
wasn't dead. He couldn't die! He was practically immortal! Only  
silver could kill him. He could be harmed, he could feel pain, and  
he would eventually come to the end of his life... But he could only  
be killed with silver. And he was saying that Sirius had done him in  
just like James and Lily. But he couldn't have. Not without silver.  
  
Remus wasn't dead. This was some kind of horrible joke he'd  
constructed. He had never had the best sense of humor in the world.  
Any minute now, he would take out the contacts and break into a smile,  
apologizing for his poor choice of a welcome and embrace him as they  
had in the Shrieking Shack.  
  
Yes, that was it. This was all some kind of bad joke. All Sirius had  
to do was wait for the punch line.  
  
He waited.  
  
/This is real Sirius./  
  
There was no punch line.  
  
"No..." Sirius said softly. "No..." Maybe if he kept saying no, it  
would undo whatever had already been done. The power of the word was  
stronger than most people thought. It took words to bring forth the  
magic. Words could soothe and insight rage faster than any other  
force in nature. And in Muggle lore, God created the world with a few  
words. If he kept saying it wasn't true, maybe it would change it.  
  
/Deny it all you like./ Remus said. /It will not change the truth.  
It does not alter history if you refuse to acknowledge it. It just  
makes you ignorant./  
  
"No..." He repeated, refusing to give up on his theory.  
  
/Yes./ Remus insisted. /I am dead, Sirius. I am dead and you killed  
me. Just like Lily and James./  
  
"I couldn't hurt you..." Sirius said, saying the most truthful thing  
that he could fully believe. He could never hurt Remus. He'd sooner  
cut off his wand arm. He would rather do anything than hurt him or  
see him hurt. Anything.  
  
/But you did. Without intent, but you need no intent to do harm./  
  
"You're not dead." Sirius insisted.  
  
/I am. The place we are in now is where the dead go when they die.  
This is no heaven that foolish idealists hope for nor is it hell that  
equally foolish cowards fear above all things. There is but one land  
where the dead dwell and this is it./ He gestured his hand to his  
right, his eyes still on Sirius.  
  
/To the east there is an ocean of blood, filled with people that  
split blood when they died. Those that died in battle dwell there.  
Those that were murdered violently dwell there. Those that were  
killed accidentally dwell there. And in that sea of endless crimson  
they must swim for all time. They cannot come up for air. They  
cannot catch a glimpse of the blue sky above it. They cannot even see  
what else swims around them for the blood is too murky. They simply  
swim./  
  
Blood... An ocean of blood. The place where warriors go. Sirius felt  
his heart beat painfully in his chest as he thought of all of the men  
and women he knew that swam in those depths or would some day. He had  
known so many that had died in battle. He had seen so many lost blood  
and die. And with the return of Voldemort, there would be more. Many  
more.  
  
Too many.  
  
/To the west is a forest filled with misery. In that place dwells  
people who lived lives of pain and sorrow. They ended them of their  
own accord in various ways... And all of those ways are available in  
those woods. Nooses hang from tree branches. Knives sprout up where  
flowers should be. And everything in there that is edible is poison  
that kills slowly and does not go quietly. They cannot escape for the  
trees are too dense. And one never hears a sound uttered from within  
it. No one wails or cries out for help... They are beyond help. And  
they do no want to be saved./  
  
A forest of suicides... He had known Aurors that could not handle the  
life. it had been a bloody one, and one that required more strength  
than most men had. Many of them could not go on. Many of them gave  
up.  
  
Sirius had always been too proud for that. He was glad of it.  
  
/To the north,/ Remus continued, /there is a path. It does not stop.  
It does not begin. It does not lead anywhere. It simply goes on and  
on. On that road walk those that died of illness. Those that  
strived to get well and walk among the populous as healthy men but  
never made it. They walked down a never ending path in life, and so  
they will in death... They are not well. They are all weak for their  
illness was never cured. But they cannot rest. They cannot sit down  
or pause for breath. They must walk on in constant agony forever./  
  
The path of most resistance is what those poor souls walked. Their  
deaths had not been their fault. Their illnesses had not been  
something that could have prevented, but still they suffered. The  
wicked walked alongside the righteous and endured the same cruel fate.  
There was no redemption here. There was no escape. There was no  
mercy, no forgiveness, no benevolence. There was only strife.  
  
This place was worse than hell.  
  
/The south is where the other members of the death parade reside.  
They are the ones who simply died. No real reason or explanation  
other than it was their time. There is nothing special about this  
land. They dwell in shadows, forever concealed from everyone. They  
are even concealed from themselves. For they did not die in any way  
of importance. There is no need for them to be sorted or have  
distinction. And when they go there, they remember nothing. They do  
not even know their own name./  
  
This place was far worse than hell.  
  
"My God..." Sirius breathed without thinking, all of this information  
being too much to bear. This world that he found himself in was more  
awful than anything he could have ever imagined. All the dead  
suffered no matter what they had done in life. No matter whom they  
had been or how good a person they were, it didn't matter. For they  
all suffered the same destiny. And some of them didn't even know  
there was anything but the torturous existence for they had no memory  
of what had been before. It was all so very unfair... And so awful.  
  
/There is no God./ Remus said in a scornful tone, the most emotion he  
had shown since Sirius had arrived. /God is nothing more than a myth  
that the people created to overcome their fear of death. That was  
even more foolish. For death should be feared as death entails  
living here. It was meant to be feared, not regarded as the next  
great adventure./  
  
Sirius flinched as Remus took Albus Dumbledore's words and used them  
to scorn. And he flinched more as he remembered where he was. As he  
remembered what his friend claimed.  
  
He was dead. He was dead because of Sirius.  
  
And suddenly it all hit him like a tidal wave of water from the  
Arctic. There was no Remus J. Lupin. There was no Moony. That  
person was gone forever. There would be no more moonlight  
transformations. There would be no bull sessions about the old days.  
There would be no more duels with one of them acting as the other's  
second. There would be no more playful fights and not so playful  
fights. There would be no more arguing. There would be no more  
making up. There would be no one to talk to. No one to look forward  
to seeing after so long. No one to think about first thing in the  
morning and last thing at night. No one to worry about every time the  
full moon rose. No one to go back to. There would be no one.  
  
And it was all his fault.  
  
________________________________________  
  
Frozen inside  
Without your touch  
Without your love, darling   
Only you are the life among the dead  
________________________________________  
  
/Do you understand?/  
  
Sirius looked up at his friend, or what had been his friend, in  
anguish. He wanted to scream at him for saying these things. He  
wanted to pound the ground with his fists in frustration. He wanted  
to beg him for forgiveness and be granted salvation, though he knew  
now that there was no such place. He had been in the place where that  
dwelled before. The place that did not exist.  
  
/You disappeared for so long. You never wrote. You never visited.  
You never made any attempt to contact me./  
  
"I... I was on my way..." Sirius said feebly.  
  
/You were too late. And you fell before you reached my home. You  
fell and thus you did not see me before my death. Perhaps if you had  
been there, things would have been different... But that is not the  
issue at hand./  
  
Sirius felt his heart break again and again and the sound of his voice  
in his ears. It was so matter of fact, as it always was, but to hear  
it now and having it say such things was gut wrenching. He couldn't  
bear to hear it. He wanted to rip his ears off of his head just so he  
could be deaf. He didn't want to hear this... he couldn't bear to.  
  
"No..."  
  
/Denial does nothing. Do no even try it./  
  
Sirius shook his head, his emotions coming to a boil. He looked up at  
Remus with a tormented expression marring his features. He shook his  
head insistently and said. "You can't be dead. You're not in those  
places. You're just standing before me! You're not dead!"  
  
/I am of the fifth./ Remus said, not even so much as blinking at the  
emotion Sirius showed him. The old Remus would have blanched at the  
fury in his tone, but this one just stood there as if his old comrade  
had made some blasé comment about the weather.  
  
"The fifth what?" Sirius hissed.  
  
/I am a wizard who died in very special circumstances. I am one of  
those who wanders all of the lands looking like this. I died in such  
a way that if angels existed, I would have easily become one. But as  
angels to not exist, I became this./ He gestured to himself without  
flourish. That at least was true to character. /A half angel. This  
may just be what a fallen angel would look like. But I also have  
demon characteristics... You can see the wolf in me now as plain as  
day. But no one else can see it, the one happy thing this place has  
to offer. Those of the fifth cannot be seen, not even by others like  
me./  
  
Sirius just stared at him for a while, unable to comprehend this. It  
was maddening. He had not heard of any of this in any kind of lore.  
All religions offered the possibility of a heaven and a hell. They  
had not offered him this. And here Remus stood, explaining this dark  
world to him like he was telling him the recipe for Devil's Food Cake.  
He couldn't accept this. He couldn't retain this. He couldn't let  
this be true.  
  
"No." He said again, with more conviction than the last.  
  
Remus ignored this. /Those of the fifth die with two words ringing in  
their ears for all time. Those of the fifth are haunted by it. They  
cannot escape the curse./  
  
He couldn't let that be true.  
  
"No!" He shouted, rising to his feet at last. He was still taller  
than Remus in this realm, though he felt dwarfed by him now as never  
before. His face was angry, denying all he had just heard. "You did  
not die like that. You didn't!"  
  
/I did./  
  
"I didn't curse you!"  
  
/You didn't curse James and Lily either. But we're all here because  
of you./  
  
"Stop saying that!"  
  
/Why? Why should I stop telling you the truth?/  
  
"It's a lie! You're not dead and I didn't kill you!"  
  
/Yes. You did./  
  
"No!"  
  
/Stop saying that. It will do no good./  
  
"I didn't kill you!"  
  
/Do not lie to yourself. It only makes this harder on you./  
  
"I reached you! I know I did! I heard your voice!"  
  
/You imagined it. You wanted me to be there. But I was already dead.  
That wish brought you here so that you would know of your sins./  
  
"If there is no God, then there are no sins!"  
  
/You did wrong. To sin is to do wrong./  
  
"I did no wrong! I did no wrong! Not to you! Never to you!" Sirius  
insisted, advancing on Remus. "Don't you understand? I would do  
anything for you. Were there a hell, I would burn there for you.  
I would slice off my arm if you lost your own. I would take in the  
wolf if it would spare you from the hell you've been living for so  
long. I would kill for you. I would die for you. I would even go  
back to Azkaban for you! And I would never let you become this!  
Damn it man, I love you!"  
  
Remus blinked. The most reaction he had shown upon arrival.  
  
Sirius did not blink. He merely stared, in shock at what he had just  
said. And in even more shock of the mere fact that it was true.  
  
He couldn't believe he had been so blind. He couldn't believe his own  
stupidity that, if he had breathed to tell him so, Remus would have  
commended him on. It was so obvious it had been easy to ignore, easy  
to miss. But now Sirius knew it. Now he acknowledged it. Now he  
embraced it.  
  
Sirius Black was nothing with Remus Lupin. There would be no Padfoot  
without Moony.  
  
He couldn't live without him.  
  
______________________________________  
  
Wake me up inside  
Call my name  
And save me from the dark  
Bid my blood to run  
Before I come undone  
Save me from the nothing I've become  
______________________________________  
  
Remus continued to look at him, his eyes of black and white locked  
with Sirius' own. His face was a blank and revealed nothing of his  
thoughts. The old Remus, the one Sirius knew far better than this  
one, did have a tendency to mask his emotions around others. And in  
his first year, he had hidden his pain from his three friends. But  
after that, he had never hidden anything from them. He had worn his  
heart on his sleeve with them because he trusted them above all else.  
One should not have been trusted, and the other had not taken notice  
of the change. But Sirius had seen it. Sirius had seen it and was  
eternally grateful. Over the years he had gotten to know Moony better  
than Prongs and Wormtail just by looking at his face. He saw how some  
comments stung more than others. He saw him watch couples walk by  
hand in hand wistfully, knowing he could never have that. He saw how  
he watched animals run away from them, his face screwed up in pain at  
just one more unfair thing that had been thrust upon him.  
  
Sirius had always loved him. He had loved him like a brother that he  
needed to protect and shield from the world because he had already  
suffered so much at it's hands. It had always been noted that he and  
James had been closer, but that did not mean that Remus was the odd  
man out. They were all equally close, but the amount of times that  
James and Sirius conspired together often masked that truth. No one  
ever really knew that Remus was often the mastermind and the one that  
made sure that there was no chance that they would be caught. Not  
that it always worked, but he tried. They had all been a band of  
Marauders. Forever and for always.  
  
But at some point that brotherly love must have changed, for those  
three words he had just spoken had not been said lightly. Sirius did  
not know when nor did he know why. Now was not the time to think  
about that.  
  
He knew now that he could not continue living unless Remus was still  
there. He had to change this. He didn't know how, but he had to  
change this.  
  
"You cannot be dead." Sirius insisted quietly. "I won't let you be  
dead."  
  
Remus said nothing. He didn't even move. Maybe he hadn't had a  
chance to do so or maybe he didn't know how to respond. But suddenly,  
fog rolled in from no where, separating the two of them.  
  
Sirius could not see so much as a few centimeters in front of him.  
He felt panicked, not knowing what had just happened but feeling that  
it could not be... right. He held out his hands in front of him,  
trying to find where Remus was but they held nothing by cold, wet air.  
His anxiousness grew. Remus was no longer in front of him. So where  
had he gone? Had something happened?  
  
Sirius didn't know about that. All he knew was that he had to find  
him.  
  
So for a second time he ran forward, but this time he felt as if he  
were getting somewhere. He felt himself moving forward, or to the  
left and right, or even back where he had once came if he so desired.  
He didn't know where he had gone, but Sirius had to find him. He  
couldn't let it end this way. He couldn't lose him again. Not now.  
  
"Moony!" Sirius called out frantically, using the nickname of old  
without a thought. "Where are you? Moony!"  
  
He didn't know where he was going.  
  
"Moony!"  
  
He didn't know what had happened to Remus.  
  
"Damn it, answer me!"  
  
He didn't know if he could change anything.  
  
"You can't leave me like this!"  
  
But he knew he had to try.  
  
Suddenly he felt his knees run into something solid like stone. He  
cried out and pitched forward, his face landing in what felt like a  
mound of dirt. He didn't feel the pain, ignoring it or choosing not  
to let it manifest. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the  
ground. As he did so, he felt the clouds around him began to life and  
he could see again...  
  
It was night. A full moon. Had it been night before? He couldn't  
remember... He hadn't been able to look at anything by Remus even  
then. He couldn't remember if it had been night. He couldn't even  
remember what had been there aside from Remus.  
  
That didn't matter.  
  
Still, this time Sirius took a look at his surroundings... And he felt  
his broken heart being ripped to shreds. A cold, indescribable fear  
quickly took hold of him. The trepidation was not only palpable, but  
it was like a living, breathing entity that had made it's way into the  
man's body. It could not be controlled, fought down, or ignored. It  
was far too strong for such things. So instead, Sirius stood up,  
looking out at the world around him, the weight of his terror  
threatening to knock him down again. He was not sure what he should  
do about it or what to do in spite of it. So he just stood there for  
a minute and stared...  
  
He stared out at the graveyard before him.  
  
There was not even a remnant of the fog around him that in movies  
always added to the cinematic mood. But this cemetery needed no  
add-ons to make it all the more frightening. There was nothing  
special about it, yet the fact that Sirius was in it was more than  
enough to unsettle him, and that word was quite inappropriate for what  
it did to him. There were no lightning flashes or thunder rumbling in  
the distance. There was no din of the crickets chirping or wind  
howling. There was not even the sound of Sirius' own breathing.  
There was nothing around him but silence. And that alone was  
deafening.  
  
/wake me up/  
  
Sirius tensed in shock, a shudder rippling through him. He knew that  
voice. He had not heard that voice speak like that in so long. It  
sounded real and full of emotion. It sounded frightened. It was  
pleading, desperate. He had not heard that voice speak like that  
since the time he had locked his best friend in a closet as a joke and  
he had begged him to let him go, saying it reminded him too much of  
the nightmares he had where he was in a cage. He had been crying.  
Sirius had let him out.  
  
"Remus..." Sirius breathed, shooting to his feet without hesitation.  
He looked around frantically for Remus. Not the half angel, half  
devil, have werewolf, half man that he had seen before. He sought the  
real Remus; the one with a knowing smile, amber eyes, and tattered  
brown robes. He had heard *his* voice, not that other one's.  
  
"Remus!" He shouted at the top of his voice, whipping his head about  
frantically for the speaker. The graveyard went on endlessly and  
there were no large statues or mausoleums to hide in or behind. And  
despite the fact that it was dark, the light of the full moon was kind  
to him for once and allowed him to see everything as clearly as if it  
had been daytime. He looked for a shadow. He looked for a movement.  
He looked for a flash of brown.  
  
But he saw nothing. It seemed as if he only had the dead for company.  
  
Sirius moved around to in front of the gravestone, for that was what  
it was that he had tripped over. He looked in front of him, still  
looking for the owner of that voice. He sounded as though he were in  
peril and needed help. Sirius had to find him. He had to. And  
though he strained his eyes, he could see nothing.  
  
"Moony!"  
  
/i can't wake up/  
  
It came from behind him.  
  
Sirius spun around, still seeking him out. But when he turned, he  
still saw the same row of headstones and nothing more. There was  
nothing else to see.  
  
But he knew that he had heard the voice.  
  
The man took a deep breath and tried to still his frantic heart. His  
reaction was not going to help matters. As a matter of fact,  
panicking only seemed to make it worse. He had to think about this.  
He had to be logical about what was going on even if this entire  
scenario seemed impossible. He couldn't let his emotions blind him  
and make this harder than it really was. If he was going to find  
Remus, he had to be calm and rational.  
  
Wherever Remus was, he sounded far away. His voice had been quiet and  
distant. So perhaps it stood to reason that he was far away... But if  
Sirius couldn't see Remus, how could Remus see Sirius to call out to  
him? Then again, Sirius had been calling to him... But what he had  
said made no sense. The logical things like, "Sirius, I'm over here!"  
or "Help me!" or even "What the hell took you so long, you git?" were  
not uttered. It had been replaced with different words. Words that  
made no sense. Words that...  
  
Sirius eyes widened as his eyes rested on the gravestones that  
surrounded him. And under those gravestones were the silent dead, his  
only company. But were those dead really so silent?  
  
For Remus' words had been muffled. As if said from underground.  
  
Sirius eyes locked onto the hunk of stone that he had tripped over.  
All thoughts of sagacity were dashed like dust on the wind as his pale  
eyes ran over the words on the rock. And before he could stop himself  
from doing so, a scream of absolute horror and sorrow erupted from  
his throat and his knees gave way. He was now face to face with words  
that he had always dreaded without knowing it.  
  
___________________________  
  
Remus J. Lupin  
"Moony"  
  
1960 - 1995  
  
The Lone Wolf Is At Peace  
___________________________  
  
Who had written that? Who had decided that those awful, unfitting  
words would be what the living were supposed to remember him by?  
Remus had never been a lone wolf... Not after meeting Sirius and the  
rest. They had never let him be that way. And though James was dead  
and Peter was a traitor, he still had Sirius! And he knew that! He  
never would have wanted those words to be his epitaph!  
  
And he was not at peace... The dead were never at peace.  
  
/save me/  
  
Sirius was jerked out of these thoughts by that awful voice again.  
He bent over the headstone, knowing now that the voice was coming from  
underground... Remus was trapped. Maybe he wasn't really dead. Maybe  
there had been some kind of horrible mistake. He was calling to him,  
crying out for help. He couldn't help himself, trapped in that  
coffin. Perhaps he was clawing out at the surface, bloodying his  
hands and ripping his nails out in desperation to get out. He might  
have been kicking his feet, struggling to break through the wooden  
prison. Maybe he was struggling for air, for there was only so much  
down there that he could use. And maybe he was remembering those  
awful nightmares about being caught by hunters and caged. Caged  
because he was something that he had never asked for and could not  
control. And caged unnecessarily because of how unlike he was from  
the monster within him. Just as Remus had told him when he was  
trapped in that closet.  
  
Sirius had let him out once. And he would do it again.  
  
"I'm coming, Moony." Sirius said softly as he moved forward, digging  
his hands into the lose dirt and pushing it out and away from the  
grave. "I won't let it end like this."  
  
/trapped in the dark/  
  
Sirius' heart constricted as he heard another voice, one much younger,  
saying those exact words in his mind. "I'm always trapped in the  
dark..." He had said. "I can't see anything, but I always know where  
I am. In a cage where the bars burn. I think maybe it's made of  
silver."  
  
"I won't let it end like this!" Sirius repeated as he continued  
frantically digging. His adrenaline was zipping through his body,  
making him move a lot faster than he normally would have been able to.  
He began to send the dirt flying around him, creating two piles on  
either side of him. He was having distinct trouble filling his lungs  
with air, as if maybe he too only had a certain amount of oxygen to  
breathe. He gulped it down like water on a hot summer's die and kept  
digging. He briefly thought of changing into Padfoot, but that would  
have taken focus and concentration that he could not muster. And it  
would have taken time that he did not want to waste.  
  
So he just continued digging.  
  
For a man, he dug quite quickly. It was of course thanks to being a  
dog Animagus, and he was once again grateful for Fate's selection of  
his canine form. It had proved more than useful several times.  
Sirius knew that he was making progress. He wasn't sure how deep had  
dug now. He didn't want to look away and break his rhythm that was  
fueled by adrenaline and desperation.  
  
Remus had used to write fiction as a kid. Sirius didn't know if he  
had continued the past time, but he did remember what the boy had  
used to tell him. Writing was not something you could force yourself  
to do. It took a hold of you. It told you when you would write, how  
you would write, and what you would write. And you couldn't stop once  
it did grip you in it's gentle fist. If you did stop, it would  
release you. You would break your flow and you would end up staring  
at a blank page for hours, willing it to come back.  
  
So he couldn't stop.  
  
/without a thought/  
  
Or rather he wouldn't stop. He wasn't about to let Remus remain down  
there in this new manifestation of the nightmares that had recurred in  
his sleep during his childhood and young adulthood. Nightmares that  
may have continued now.  
  
If Sirius could he would bear that man's nightmares as well as his  
own. He would deal with Remus's fear of himself and his fate as well  
as Sirius's terror of returning to Azkaban one day. Or worse,  
receiving the Kiss. He would even live the other man's pain to spare  
him. He was tired of watching the weak looking man suffer needlessly.  
  
/without a voice/  
  
He wanted to help him.  
  
"I have to keep digging..."  
  
He wanted to hear his voice without the dirt and would to impede it.  
  
"I can't stop..."  
  
He wanted to see him.  
  
"I have to do this..."  
  
He wanted to hold him.  
  
"I can't let this happen."  
  
His fingernails scraped against the grain of the wood.  
  
/without a soul/  
  
"Moony!"  
  
Sirius pushed away the rest of the dirt from the casket, only just now  
realizing that he had dug himself into quite a hole. He didn't care.  
He just had to get Remus out of the coffin. He could worry about the  
other details later.  
  
The dark haired man continued pushing the dirt out of the way, a man  
possessed. He ignored the splinters embedded into his fingers and  
once again did not take notice of any pain. He could see more and  
more of the wood, mahogany perhaps. He felt around for hinges or a  
way to open it. The entire casket was almost completely uncovered now  
and he couldn't find a way to get it open.  
  
He had to get it open. It had been so long. Remus couldn't breathe  
in there. He was trapped. He was scared. He was dying.  
  
Sirius couldn't let that happen.  
  
/...don't let me die here.../  
  
"I won't." Sirius hissed through clenched teeth and jaw. If he could  
not open it with hinges and handles, he would use nails and fists. He  
would break his way into that box before he left Remus in there to die  
a harrowing death. As he had said so many times before, he would not,  
could not let that happen.  
  
So he did just as he promised himself and began to rip the wood apart  
with his hands. He still did not let himself feel any pain, though  
he saw his own blood spilling out and he felt the splinters, large and  
small, enter his callused hands. He strained his muscles again the  
stubborn encasement. He dug his nails into it and clawed, leaving  
deep marks. He pounded upon it and prayed that he didn't hurt the man  
inside.  
  
He also prayed that the silence did not mean that he was too late.  
  
Sirius continued to break into the casket, still taking huge gulps of  
air. At long last, the wood seemed to begin to crack. And being who  
he was and being as desperate as he was, Sirius did not let up because  
he was making progress. Instead he only hit it harder and harder each  
time his fists made contact with the wood until it splintered and  
completely gave way.  
  
He did not hesitate when it came to looking in. Sirius had to look  
into the coffin and see Remus prematurely lined face, coughing and  
gasping for air. He had to give him a hand to get him out of that  
prison. He had to see him again. He had to see him all right again.  
  
But this was not to be.  
  
For the moment Sirius looked in, he did see Remus... He knew the man  
all too well not to know that it was him when he saw him. But there  
was something... wrong. The lines on his face stood out dark grey  
from the rest, for the remainder was a ghoulish white. Every limb on  
his body was slack and looked as if it had been placed where it was  
with care by other hands. But the thing that stood out the most was  
his eyes... They were open and they were amber... But lifeless.  
  
"No..."  
  
Remus wasn't blinking.  
  
"This can't be happening..."  
  
Remus wasn't moving.  
  
"I didn't... You can't be..."  
  
Remus wasn't breathing.  
  
"No... No..."  
  
Remus J. Lupin was dead.  
  
"Moony!"  
  
And the darkness closed in...  
  
"PADFOOT!"  
  
_______________________  
  
Bring me to life  
_______________________  
  
Sirius's eyes flew open. And he wasn't in the graveyard.  
  
He was lying on a bed somewhere. Most people wouldn't have thought  
that it was the most comfortable thing in the world, but to a man who  
had slept on rocks for the past year or so it was like sleeping on a  
cloud. The room was dimly lit from a lamp somewhere, or maybe it was  
a Lighting Charm. There wasn't much else in the room. It wasn't  
lavishing decorated or heavily adorned. It had hard would floors, a  
mahogany dresser, a mirror, and a man sitting on the edge of the bed  
with a relieved look in his amber eyes.  
  
"Remus?" Sirius breathed in shock, pushing himself up on his elbows.  
  
The man moved closer to Sirius, a mirthless smile playing on his lips  
and a hand to his graying temple. He surveyed Sirius for a moment and  
then spoke. "Thank goodness you're awake. All of your yelling was  
beginning to give him a headache." Suddenly the smile faded and the  
hand was on Sirius's arm. His voice was concerned, all kidding put  
aside for the time being. "Are you all right, Padfoot?"  
  
Padfoot. He had called him Padfoot. He was blinking. He was moving.  
He was breathing.  
  
Remus J. Lupin was very much alive.  
  
"A dream?" Sirius said softly, his voice croaking slightly. He really  
had been screaming loudly. "It was all a dream? You're... You're  
not..."  
  
Remus smiled sympathetically, albeit slightly amused. "Yes, it was a  
dream. Nightmare is more like it, truth be told. You've been  
sleeping for awhile actually. You must have been too tired to keep  
riding Buckbeak. You went down somewhere in the forest about half a  
mile from my house. It was a good thing I was out walking or who  
knows what would have happened to you? You know, some of us normal  
people sleep when we get tired. I know, I know. It's quite an  
unnatural concept for you, but you should really give it a shot more  
often. And maybe, oh I don't know... Not pass out from exhaustion  
miles above the Earth. Or you could at least shoot caffeine directly  
into the vein. Coffee takes too long to kick in during times of  
desperation, and why are you staring at me like that?" Remus was now  
raising both of his eyebrows as he had never been able to lift just  
one in order to give someone a dubious look.  
  
Sirius just kept on staring. He wasn't dead. Remus was all right.  
He wasn't dead because of Sirius. And that meant that only one  
truthful thing had been said in the dream that had not already been  
apparent.  
  
"Erm..." Remus said uncomfortably, "Padfoot, I realize that... Well,  
actually I don't realize anything. I'm entirely in the dark here. So  
if you would be so-- oof!"  
  
The comment about the dark had suddenly sent Sirius into a state. He  
had tensed up once again and then swiftly launched himself at Remus,  
embracing the man. He wondered if Remus could tell that he was  
shaking. "You're all right." Sirius said aloud, just to make sure  
that it was real. "You're not dead."  
  
Remus then went rigid, at last understanding why his friend was acting  
so strangely. He knew all too well how powerful and how very real  
nightmares could be. He hugged the man back without question and  
spoke to him softly. "No... No I'm not dead."  
  
"I thought I lost you." Sirius said quietly, his eyes and throat  
beginning to burn in a way that they hadn't done for nearly fifteen  
years. "I thought I lost you, Moony.  
  
"Never." Remus said, tightening his grip on the man. "You'll never  
lose me..."  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
Remus smiled again, in a very different way than his previous ones.  
He paused only when he felt a hot droplet of water fall on to his  
shoulder.  
  
"Because I'd never go anywhere without you."  
  
Sirius didn't say anything because there was nothing more to be said.  
Some things didn't need words to make them real...  
  
They didn't move for a very long time.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
  
I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to that title, the band  
Evanescence or the song "Bring Me to Life".  
  
I decided I wanted to a song fic to an Evanescence song some time ago,  
but I wasn't sure which song to use. I was however sure that I would  
not use "Bring Me to Life" because of how much attention it was  
getting. When overly popular songs have fics written to them, I tend  
to roll my eyes and not even give it a chance. Otherwise it seems  
that the person isn't really a fan of the music, they're just  
following the current trend. So I looked to the others and tried to  
find something really good, but all in vain.  
  
Then I was up late listening to the CD late one night, and for some  
reason I had this urge to listen to the second track over and over  
again. I did, and fell asleep with it playing and woke up to it  
playing some time later. And upon awakening, I suddenly had the image  
of Sirius frantically digging up Remus' grave. And so that is how  
this came to be. 


End file.
